Haldir, You Really Need To Learn To Relax!
by sheraiah
Summary: Written for fic challenge on Yahoo group Haldir Lovers. What do Haldir, Legolas, Celeborn, and a bucket of flour have in common? COMPLETE


Title: Haldir, You Really Need To Learn To Relax!

Genre: Humor

Warnings: implied het sex, elven humor, and abuse of grain products

Beta: none

Rating: PG-13

Dedication: To Julie, who asked for it.

Spoilers: For my own fics, but not for anything else, I don't think.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nada, niente, rien, zip. I just like to torture, abuse, turn inside out, comfort, snuggle, and make life difficult and interesting for these characters. ;-)

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Haldir scrubbed the filth from his hair, glowering at the smirking elf sharing the bathing pool with him. How that orc of a prince had managed to talk him into this fiasco was beyond him. Legolas grinned cheekily at him and returned to washing the last of the flour from his golden locks. Haldir strongly suspected that Legolas had cooked up his latest prank out of sheer pique. He was in Lorien as his father's messenger and to visit his Naneth's sister, who had been keeping a rather tight rein on her wayward nephew and frustrating his efforts at obtaining female companionship and putting to an abrupt halt any of the prince's plans for festivities of any kind. His friendship with Haldir was his only means of escaping Nimendis' vigilance, as the young March Warden's self discipline was such that mischief from him was unknown. Haldir sighed, wringing the water from his hair. It had to have been a transient moment of weakness that had allowed him to fall victim to Legolas' scheming. Damn him anyway, how had he done it?

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"Your problem, Haldir, is that you have forgotten how to have fun." Legolas smiled winningly at his friend as he sat on the mallorn branch, one leg folded up to his chest and the other dangling.

"Your problem, Legolas, is that you refuse to grow up. I would rather face a Balrog than play a prank on Lord Celeborn. You have far less to lose than I." He scowled at the prince, unyielding. Legolas raised a brow at that.

"I have much more to lose that you think, mellon-nin. If we are caught, not only will Nimendis hear of it, but my Adar as well. He will hang me from the tallest tree in Mirkwood by my earlobes." Legolas shuddered dramatically. Haldir snorted, the urge to hang Legolas by his earlobes himself very strong.

"As if that has ever stopped you. Legolas you seem to be cursed with insane impulses to wreak havoc wherever you go and you will not draw me into the current one. Your aunt will kill me if I let you get into trouble. It is bad enough that she constantly reminds me in public that she used to change my baby clouts. The indignities that she would inflict upon me for participating in a senseless prank with you do not bear thinking about. Not to mention what Lord Celeborn would do to both of us. The answer is no. Emphatically, no."

Half an hour later, Haldir was swearing under his breath as he and Legolas detoured around a group of maidens, hiding in the shelter of the higher mellryn and careful not to give any sign of their presence. Legolas had been victorious and Haldir was reluctantly assisting him in the prank he had planned for Celeborn. Legolas carried two lengths of robe and a bucket filled with water. Haldir carried one length of rope, several pieces of deadfall from the forest floor, and a bucket of flour. They stealthily made their way to Celeborn's study and slipped inside. Once inside the room, Legolas set to work, whispering instructions to Haldir as he constructed the mechanism for the prank. Haldir unhappily complied; wishing for the hundredth time that day that he had had the sense Illuvatar gave a dead insect and had maintained his refusal. Legolas gave him a smug smirk and motioned him closer.

"It is set. See the first rope runs from the bucket holding the water to the door. When the door is opened, the bucket will tip and dowse whoever enters the room. The second rope connects the flour bucket to the water bucket and it will tip right after the first bucket does. It is a brilliant design, Estel and I tried it out on Elladan and it worked beautifully." Legolas was grinning evilly. Haldir permitted himself a soft groan.

"Very well, it is done. Legolas, your Adar needs to lock you up and throw away the key. It is the only hope for all of Arda." Haldir grimaced at the thought of Celeborn covered in flour. Legolas merely grinned at him, taking the comment as a compliment. Both elves jerked in surprise as the door opened abruptly and Celeborn stepped into the doorway. With a loud crash, the water bucket tipped, soaking all three elves and was quickly followed by the flour, blanketing the trio in white dust. Haldir swore furiously, and then blanched as he remembered who stood before him. Legolas winced, but wisely held his tongue. Celeborn arched a brow at both the younger elves.

"I expect to see you both back here after you have cleaned both this room and yourselves," he commented mildly before turning and heading to his and Galadriel's bathing area. 

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Haldir toweled his hair vigorously. The room had taken quite a while to clean. It had taken almost as long to wash the flour from their hair. If nothing else, the experience may have ensured that Legolas would not repeat this particular prank again. Haldir grabbed the comb, snatching it from under his friend's fingers. Legolas stuck his tongue out at Haldir, but settled on a rock and began combing his hair with his fingers without further protest.

"Go get your own comb, you misbegotten menace. Be warned that if I have lost my position as March Warden because of this episode I will take it out of your worthless hide." Haldir's temper worsened as he had more time to brood.

"Mellon-nin, you really do need to learn to relax. Lord Celeborn was not that upset, I could tell. You will not lose your position, I will not get thrashed or hung from a tree, and most likely no one will ever know about this. If you are going to pull pranks, you need to accept the fact that you will occasionally get caught." The sage statement was unwelcome and Haldir's scowl deepened.

"At this point, I will be happy to make it through the evening with my hide intact. I certainly do not plan on participating in any more of your ill-conceived plots. Oh, here, use the comb. You are making a worse mess of your hair than it already is." Haldir handed him the comb and to his surprise, Legolas merely thanked him and made no further attempt to converse. As soon as they were presentable, they made their way back to Lord Celeborn's study. Haldir knocked on the door and upon Celeborn's bidding, they entered the room and stood across the desk from the elf lord. Celeborn steepled his fingers and regarded them for several minutes, letting them stew.

"I expected such from you, Legolas, but Haldir your participation was a shock to say the least. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I regret my actions, my lord and I am prepared to accept the consequences." Haldir's face was set in a stoic mask. Celeborn studied him for a few minutes before his stern expression dissolved and he laughed aloud.

"Haldir, you really do need to learn to relax. I am not upset with you, hen [child]. It was a rather clever prank, and I admit that I am more than a little relieved to see you indulge in behavior suitable to someone your age once in a while. Just do not make a habit of it, please. Arda might survive my grandsons and Legolas, but I do not wish to risk adding you to the equation." Haldir's pole-axed expression at his lord's words sent Legolas into a fit of laughter. He elbowed Haldir none too gently.

"I told you so," he chuckled, grinning from ear to ear. Haldir smacked him in the back of the head, a smile beginning to form on his lips. He turned to Celeborn.

"With respect, my lord, you need not fear of any more pranks from me. Should I feel the urge to indulge again, I will choose better targets." Legolas missed the look Haldir tossed in his direction, but Celeborn did not and an evil grin flitted across his face. 

"Very well, elflings, you are dismissed and attempt to stay out of trouble, Legolas. Your adar will be less than pleased to receive a letter from your aunt detailing your transgressions." He was rewarded with a wince and a nod from the prince as the two departed.

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Legolas made his way toward his aunt's talan, singing softly to himself. It had been a good day. Not only had he and Haldir pulled a great prank and emrged from it vitually unscathed, but he had managed to use his aunt's assumption that he was still in Haldir's company to obtain the company of a very lovely and quite willing elleth. He was such good humor that he was not watching where he was placing his feet and was taken completely off guard when his feet were roughly jerked out from under him and he was sent soaring throught the air upside-down to bob awkwardly a dozen feet above the forest floor. As he struggled to orient himself, the sound of laughter reached his ears. Haldir stepped onto the path below him, grinning from ear to ear. Legolas gaped at him for a moment then began to laugh heartily. Haldir cut him down swiftly, before Nimendis could exit her talan and see what they were up to.

As Haldir helped him to his feet, Legolas grinned suddenly at his friend and remarked, "Of course, you relaize that this means war."


End file.
